Category: Uncategorized

When your goals turn into that can of spinach.

Do you set high expectations for yourself?

hot coco

I do.

When you want to lose weight do you pop up out of your dorito crusted love seat and hit Whole Foods? Do you spend $300 on all-natural, gluten-free, reduced fat, sugar-free foods? Then maybe you ordered something with Shaun T on the front of it?

shaun-t-not-impressed

Do you later find those foods behind the Cinnamon Toast Crunch and it’s expired by two years? That’s ok, cereal is for grown-ups to….right?

cheaties

I know I’ve asked you a lot of questions, many of them specific, but can you maybe relate?

Listen, we all want to lose weight, change the world, save the children, cure diseases, eliminate world hunger, and be the best we can be. But it’s how we go about doing so that is stopping us.

The reason I bring this up is because I always set a goal, getting really excited about it, create all these amazing ways I’m going to accomplish it, and then less than 8 hours later…I’m right where I started….feeling lazy as…

door stop

Do not misinterpret this as you are a loser.

pathetic loser

This is what a loser looks like………..

ray finkle

Just think of yourself as 95% of the population. We all want to better ourselves, we all have that imaginitive experience that grows hope and inspiration… but what we may lack is the continuous drive…

Don’t worry, I’m not judging you….

judging

I’m just like you and want to change. How can we keep focused on our goals? How can we break the cycle of being so comfortable in our uncomfortable state? How can we stop soaking steadily in a metaphorical hot tub of our own tears?

sad hot tub

The first thing we should set out to do is make a REALISTIC goal(s) for ourselves. Don’t set the bar too high, haven’t you learned from past experience? Once you reach your realistic goal, then shoot for the moon! But please take baby steps my friend, or you will continue to set goals you cannot reach and you will continue to feel like a worthless piece of crap…. baby steps my friends….baby steps…

baby steps

Then, and only then, can we can turn those baby steps into running strides over time…

gump running

….It’s great to have dreams, goals, and distinct pictures of what you want your life to look like. Please do not take this the wrong way….the dream is what drives us. Ya know that fired up feeling you get when you get really excited about something? When your envisioning what you want and how happy you will be when you get there?

happy place

Keep that! When you feel like your drowning in failure, when you’re making mistakes, when it seem as though nothing is going right on your path…keep envisioning that moment when you reach your goal! Thats a quick way to stop the Debbie Downer in you from gaining control and bringing you back to thinking you will never be able to do it!

I know from experience, if you know what I mean..

experience

But really I do. My journey going back to school was no picnic. I had lots of bumps along the way and it took me longer than normal to get my degree, but I did. What helped me you ask? Envisioning my daughter witness this great accomplishment and our embrace at the end. Whenever I felt like giving up, I pictured her hugging me while I was wearing my cap and gown…

(insert serious moment here)

hugging

The point is simple. Make realistic goals and stop the negative thoughts in their tracks by envisioning your proudest moment.

Where does the can of spinach come in to play you ask? Well, this was one of the items I purchased in my attempt to make a drastic change to be the healthiest person on the planet. Just the other day I was searching through my cabinet and noticed that very can, unopened, in the back, looking as pathetic as my attempt to be healthy at the time.

This made me reflect on why my goal remained unsuccessful. I expected myself to do a complete 180 in 24 hours and when I didn’t accomplish that I gave up…

cake

So don’t give up, keep envisioning that moment, and don’t buy a can of spinach, it’s a waste of your time and money 🙂

I’m a failure, you’re a failure, we’re all failures.

  The letter F constitutes a lot of meaning for a lot of people….

f-school-letter-grade-600x400

 

 Yet it  begins some of the most beautiful words; friendship, forever, fabulous…..even FANCY!

OH YOU FANCY HUH?
OH YOU FANCY HUH?

 

….yet we STILL associate it with being a FAILURE. And why is failure such a bad thing? You’re probably responding, “Because you failed ASSHOLE! You didn’t win…you lost! You’re a loser! An L7 weenie! .” While I agree you make a comeplling argument, we can’t all be winners all the time Charlie Sheen….

winning-quotes-charlie-sheen-1

 

Sometimes in life you lose…..

porn stars

And sometimes when you lose…you learn….and sometimes when you learn……you grow…..and sometimes when you grow….you become a better person. Hm, funny how that works 🙂 I’m not suggesting we stop striving for success, but what I do suggest is less self pity, heart ache, and feelings of extreme discouragment when we do fail at something. Sometimes we let these feelings of failure overwhelm us and stop us from continuing on to success.

Remember when you learned to walk? Probably not. But I’m sure as shit you fell on your ass multiple times before you were running marathons! Point being, failing=learning. Haven’t you read Dr.Seuss?

oh the places youll go

dr seuss lose

Thanks for the reality check Dr.Seuss. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose and THAT’S O.K! Stop telling little Johnny if he misses the winning shot he failed you…stop telling Sally if she strikes out she didn’t try hard enough…and stop telling little Joey if he gets caught on the fence he’s never going to amount to anything..

.fence_jump_fail

It’s human nature to feel hurt when we don’t succeed.If you are really passionate about something and it does’t pan out the way you thought it would its going to hurt, as it should. That hurt means we care, we are passionate, we most likely worked hard, and that alone is something to be proud of and hold dear.

einstein passion

Thanks Einstein…..

albert-einstein-about-his-quotes

When we fail we are left with another opportunity, which we can tackle head on, and perhaps this time more intelligentlly than before. Lots of successful people failed a bunch of times before creating some of the worlds most useful shit!

Here is the part of the blog where I’m supposed to insert all the pictures and quotes of those who failed a bunch of times and are now millionaires or pro athletes.

mike!

JKRowling

beyonc-lost-on-star-search-in-1993

seinfeld

While they are a great example of never giving up I’m sure you may feel you can’t relate. “Oh, thats so great that Michael Jordan missed 700 shots in basketball games and still managed to be one of the greatest players in the NBA! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!” You may not be going out for the Chicago Bulls, attempting to write a successful children’s book, wanting to make it as a stand up comic, or working on topping the charts Beyonce….but what you must focus on is where your failures are leading to!

Don’t compare yourself to others your whole life! Create your own identity, thats where the best success stems from!

Grumpy-Cat-Gets-Challenged-By-The-Original-Grumpy-Cat-Funny-Pic

I know failure can crush your confidence. Nothing hurts more than trying your best and it not going as planned. Whats worse? When your confident as all hell going in ….and then your let down.

But instead of throwing a fit…

tantrum

crying a river….

dr.evil

or calling it quits….

grumppy cat

make yourself get the fuck up and what was that Aaliyah???

brush yourself off

What its really all about is how you react to things. Keep the passion alive and you can suprise the hell out of yourself!

winston

And PLEASE do not let what others think of your “failure” make you feel any lower than you already do.

Keep telling yourself….

Judge-Judy-meme-205330e4f6b1bae

And always ask yourself…”Is this the end of the world?” Because it most likely isn’t you drama queen

rose

Well that was a poor example but you get the point!

Do not let failure at something allow you to lose your passion or stop you from achieving your goals no matter what they are…

old guy winning

Don’t fret, just listen to Joe Dirt and everything will be alright…

joe dirt

Don’t eat your feelings this Valentine’s Day..

Image

Are you one of those Anti-Valentine’s Day Bitter Betty’s? I get it. Being single on a day where everyone celebrate’s their love or forces their spouses to overcompensate on gifts for a love they no longer have can feel like shit. Its yet another reminder that you are alone right? Well pardon my french, but fuck that noise. 

Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love right? Don’t you love yourself? If the answer is no, then you may have some deeper issues….

Image

 

But if the answer is yes then LOVE YOURSELF this Valentine’s Day. Don’t sit at home and curse those in your life that finally found someone who can stomach them for long periods of time. Do yourself a favor and treat yourself to something you deserve. Order a nice dinner, get a massage, buy something you normally wouldn’t. You don’t have to be a rich bitch to treat yourself to something nice. Hell, I’m writing before you drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. Remember, its the little things that go far, even if their from you 🙂

If you run out of ideas just get drunk with your other single friends, just please do us all a favor and don’t get sad and lonely drunk….

Image

 

Like I said, Valentine’s Day is a celebration of LOVE. Let’s look at a few different ways to look at this holiday differently, as well as why we began to hate it in the first place. Then maybe we can laugh in the face of our former depressed selves……

 Image

1.) Let us be happy for those who have found someone. Instead of being jealous, lets be insanely happy for those we love who have found the ones they love. How cool is it to know that you know people who have found their soul mate? Part of being happy with yourself is being able to be happy for others right? Don’t find their obnoxious kissing noises and Facebook posts when their in the same room puke worthy, be happy that they don’t feel embarrassed regardless of how ridiculous they look, because guess what? They love each other SO much they could give a flying rats ass what you or anyone else thinks. Now that is some powerful stuff!

2.) Now take a good look in the mirror and realize how amazing you are without a significant other. You don’t have that person to lean on during tough times, you play solitaire, you’re not invited to game night, but you’re also not kept up all night by another’s snoring and you also haven’t gained any comfort weight. Thats pretty freaking awesome, and you look awesome! Image

or

Image

or maybe even…

Image

 

Either way, you don’t NEED someone to complete you. If you’re your single that means the best has yet to come. It also probably means you have had your fair share of assholes along the way to allow you to become a Bitter Betty in the first place. This leads me to my next topic, those who ruined this beautiful holiday for you in the first place…

 

3.)Image

I’m sure 99% of us had someone ruin this day or the idea of a relationship for us in general. The circumstances make us wonder why US! Why are we continuing to date people who are scum and everyone else has found their someone? Gee this sounds like the birth of the Bitter Betty. Well guess what young padawon, this too shall pass…like a fucking kidney stone….but it will pass none the less. 

Please ALWAYS keep in mind that the asshole will never truly be happy in life. I know it can be hard to believe at times, but it is so very true and so very sweet to witness if you are so lucky. Image

Whether you get to witness it or not, it is NOT the end of the world. People that treat you as though you are expendable are building blocks for your character.

 Image

In a nut shell, they allow you to more easily see through the bullshit as well as see more clearly when whats right is right in front of your face. 

Which also reminds me, give the nice guy a chance! I don’t mean the needy, stalker, insecure guy who makes you uncomfortable…

Image

 

I mean don’t make impossible standards, although you’re awesome, your not Beyonce babe. Lets be optimistic as well as realistic, then you’ll be happy. 

If you take none of this advice, thats ok. Just please remember there are worse things than being alone on Valentine’s Day…..

Image

 

 

AND….there are better ways of looking at things ….

 

Image

 

Remember, if you don’t love you than who will? 

 

I will, but you don’t know me….so I will leave you with this……Happy Valentine’s day!

Image

 

 

Grab the Bull by the Horns!

Not exactly where you want to be in life?

kitty

Have you ever woken up and just said to yourself, “How did I get here?” How did I end up settling for this life? Why am I talking to myself? Well, theres still time. You don’t have to stay in this life that you do not want, do not accept things as they are, DO SOMETHING to change it! Easier said than done I know, but start by taking steps. Don’t read this, quit your job and move to Vegas you eager beaver, take your time and things will begin to happen.

1.) Get out of your comfort zone!

comfort zone

It can be easy to stay where you feel safe, but you will just stay there. Dare to be different! If you do what  you always do, you’ll get what you always got. Don’t be afraid of failure your whole life, do something that scares you. Do something everyday that scares you or makes your nervous! Say hello to strangers, take the lead on a project at work, anything that doesn’t fall in to your comfort category. Hell, if your a woman, spread on that red lipstick! No discrimination men, if your into that sort of thing….

billy madison

2.) Never Give Up! It can become very discouraging with each fail you endure, but let it make you better! Do you think Michael Jordan gave up after giving up 26 game winning shots? NOPE! He not only became one of the greatest NBA players of all time, he also got to star in  a movie with Bill Murray and the Looney Tunes….

michael jordan bill murray

Talk about a success story!

Do you think Thomas Edison gave up each time one of his inventions failed and everyone told me he was crazy? NOPE! You have lights on don’t you? “I’ve not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” -Thomas Edison

chickenedison

3.) You may be your own worst enemy, Debbie Downer.

little debbie downer

You might be the person standing in your way of happiness. Telling yourself you can’t do things, foreseeing negative outcomes, not being able to be happy for others, or always worrying about what may go wrong. You are spending lots of energy on things that haven’t happened yet. Unless your Sylvia Brown you can’t predict the future, so stop…..just stop. Instead do with what you have control of and think positive. Where will you get in life thinking like this…..

deb

I’ll tell you, not very far. When you think better you feel better. If you think your going to fail that test, chances are you just might. If you think you’ll never lose the weight, you probably won’t. Change the way you think! Hey, it worked for Biggie Smalls…..

biggie smalls

He got what he wanted….” a 50 inch screen, money green, leather sofa. Got two rides, a limousine with a chauffeur.”

You can do what ever you put your mind to! If it’s….

Going back to School

billy-madison

or losing the weight…

runninrhino-434

Remember, if you can dream it you can do it! Start your road to success today and get out of that slump. You are the only one that can make things happen!

Start today by taking the bull by the horns!!!

Taking-the-Bull-by-Its-Horns

Did I do that?

   hawkward2

We have all had a Steve Urkel “Did I do that” awkward moment. You can either melt in embarrassment or come out on top. How you ask? Keeping with the theme of my posts the answer is keeping positive and staying creative. Most likely it is not the end of the world. There are some tips and tricks to come out of these common awkward moments without having to call in sick, getting beat up, or further embarrass yourself by crying a puddle of tears. Below I have examples of these common awkward moments and how you can conquer them:)

1.) The Fart                               

tiger_fart

Lets face it, we all fart. I don’t care if your the Queen of England, Miss America, the President of the United Stats, or Oprah Winfrey. Passing gas is inevitable. As long as you are human and have intestines, gas will travel out of you and into someone else’s nostrils. But do not fret, here are some ways to get out of your trombone fart…..

Farting at the gym

fart at the gym

This is tough. Its difficult enough bearing the smell of everyones body odor let alone a lethal protein shake bomb. Your best chance of escaping the embarrassment is running. I don’t mean run away immediately after the fart, but going on the treadmill, elliptical, or even the step climber. This will ensure that your fart comes out in small spurts and will most likely go unnoticed, unless of course you fear it will smell like toxic waste. In this case find a treadmill or elliptical nearest the fattest sweatiest guy in the gym, then fart, give him judging eyes, and move to another machine.

 gym fart

Have to fart during a business meeting? The easiest thing to do to avoid embarrassment would be to excuse yourself, but sometimes the power and timing of a fart are completely out of out control. In other words, the fart is bigger and stronger than you at this point. In elementary school you have been able to get away with a who can clap the loudest contest, but your an adult, give them a reason to clap, or hell start a clap. When someone is finished speaking make sure you let them know how much you LOVED what they had to say by starting a clap, then release the beast. Or if your afraid that no one will join in your clap fest, leave everyone laughing. The noise of laughter can overshadow any fart, but remember to try and keep it clean.

EXAMPLE: What do you call a cow on the floor? Ground Beef! (Feel free to come up with better ones :/)

2.) Either initiate all hugs and handshakes or none at all: We have all encountered the awkward do I go in for the hug/handshake moment and you end up doing an awkward dance. The best rule of thumb to avoid that dance is to chose to go all in or wait for the initiation.

 awkward hug

Handshakes can be equally as awkward, and often times they hold more importance.

awkward handshake

In my opinion the best way to avoid this is by being the friendly fellow in the room. Don’t wait for the world to come to you sparky, grab the bull by the horns and go in for a bear hug or that manly handshake that shows you mean business.

3.) Your joke causes an awkward silence

cricket                                                                                                                                                           So your reenactment of that Dance Cook joke didn’t have your friends roaring with laughter? I’m shocked! But theres a few things you can do to break the awkward silence. The old phrase, “Do you guys want me to tell it again” will help make fun of yourself and allow your friends a laugh at your expense, you deserve it by telling them the lame joke :p If that doesn’t work this should……

how-much-does-polar-bear-weigh

Always remember it’s not the end of the world. If you keep a “this too shall pass” attitude you will recover.

this-to-shall-pass-funny-quotes

And always remember, who ever smelt it dealt it.

awkward_family_pet_photos_04

Feel like a million bucks, while ballin on a budget

In a slump? Cat got your tongue? Feeling blue? All of the above? Too many questions?

It’s time to get your groove back Stella!

              stella

Since most of us can’t afford a first class vacation to Jamaica like Stella, I’ve compiled a list of the best things to get you out of your funk. This list is especially for those of you who dream big but with empty pockets, or as I like to say, “Ballin on a Budget.” Besides, “Mo money mo problems” Right?

1.) Remember, it’s not all about YOU! Surprised by number one? Well sometimes the best thing we can do to help ourselves is help others:) PAY IT FORWARD! But remember, your ballin on a budget, so keep it small. For example, pay for the person behind you in the drive thru’s coffee order. Imagine how that would make you feel? FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC, that’s how!omg qm big kid

OMG A FREE COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.) Dance! Thinking already that you can’t dance…who cares! Dance like no one is watching, because guess what? No one is! It will raise your spirits by raising those happy endorphins! So get it girl, work it, twerk it, cotton eye joe it, what ever tickles your fancy.

dance dance dance

Hell, if all else fails, put on Jock Jams and get crazy!!

3.) Write a letter. You don’t have to be William Shakespeare to show someone how you feel. Further more, it’s not corny to write, even a letter. Imagine how much joy your Grandma will feel when she gets a signed, sealed letter delivered with love to her sweet old door. Go old school, ditch the emails, texts, and Facebook messages, write an old-fashioned letter. XoXo. Hey, you may even get more than a ten-dollar check for Christmas this year 😉

shakespeare

4.) Laugh. Possibly the easiest way to instantly feel better. And by laugh I mean that belly laugh that makes your sides hurt. Some feel better blogs suggest you start off by smiling. But what happens when your by yourself and you just sit there and smile? You feel awkward and your by yourself, weird. Try to laugh and see where it gets you.

Wether its people watching at Walmart…….

walmart

Watching a hilarious Youtube video….

Honey-Badger-Dont-Care

or simply gathering your brew crew for a few chuckles…

hangover

Laughter is the best medicine, and you need not a prescription. Give yourself a double dose of laughter, especially when you’re in a slump. It can’t hurt right? Sometimes when you begin laughing you forget why and laugh just because your laughing. What a great FREE way to instantly feel better:)

Need a laugh right now, I’ll get you started……

swallowing your gum

Although this is a rather short list, it’s a good start. Hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day right? So in that case, when in Rome, do as the Roman’s do. Or when your broke, ball on a budget.

I’ll leave you with this…

gw_bug

“I wish I was a glow worm,

A glow worms never glum.

Cause how can you be grumpy,

when the sun shines out your bum?”